"Free Willie!" (Sept. 2006)
What They Didn’t Find on Willie Nelson’s Tour Bus Good ol’ Willie Nelson and his band got nabbed last week with a pound-and-a-half of ganja and some hallucinogenic mushrooms after being pulled over for a “routine” traffic stop by a Louisiana State Trooper. While we’d expect nothing less from our Rasta-man Willie (not to mention a Bloody Mary Mornin’), it does serve as a nice reminder never to tour in Louisiana or other Southern States. But forget all that – forget the civic duty, the patriotism, the farm relief, the environmental entrepreneurialism, and the fact that the Feds keep pickin’ on our elderly outlaw-troubadour – and let’s just think for a moment about all the things that weren’t on Willie’s bio-bus, and praise the Lord: (MORE…)

“Big Daddy” (June, 2001)
Short of lurking around preschools, becoming a Big Brother, or hiring/abducting a kid for intensive interviews, I wanted to find a way to evaluate fatherhood without actually getting anyone pregnant. That's where my friend Julie came in. Buddies since high school, we attended proms together, joked as class clowns, and kept in touch over the years. While I drifted into a life of writing and wild debauchery, Julie met her husband, lived in a cul-de-sac, and cranked out five kids—before her spouse of seven years told her at a Mariners game that he was gay and could no longer live the lie. (MORE…)

“Alum Fie!” (Sept. 2005)
When an invitation to a 20th high-school reunion arrived, I thought it must be for my father—and had somehow been mistakenly mailed to my address. There was no way in hell 20 years had gone by since I graduated high school. That would make me . . . well, old. (MORE…)

“Art and Other Distactions” (Oct. 2006)
I personally don't know a color wheel from a hole in the ground. My formal art training consists of throwing food against the canvas of our kitchen wallpaper as a toddler; even my stick figures suck. Though I love nudes, abstracts, masks, and oils (hopefully applied at the same time), I find most art baffling. (MORE…)

“Fallen Starr” (May 2002)
THE MAIN RELIGIOUS figure in my life has just been revealed to have misused as much as $400,000 from my temple, and I now wander aimlessly, wondering if I need to return all the gifts from my bar mitzvah, find a new mentor, or give up on religion altogether. (MORE…)

“Sex in the City – Or Lack Thereof” (February 2001)
I was single, depressed, and ready to go hedonistically ballistic. Four years of monogamistic trial and error had come crashing to an end, and I wanted wild parties, loose babes, and intoxicated copulation. Unfortunately, the Playboy Mansion doesn't sell day passes, so I'd require an alternative locale. (MORE…)